Robot’s Useless Reviews – Apps

I am a sucker for fried calamari, the Rhode Island version, which sees the squid tossed with hot peppers instead of served with a side of bland marinara. I like Chinese soup dumplings, preferably with pork. I’ll eat a whole kimchi pancake if left unattended. Chips and salsa. Yeah. Yes. Definitely. Bad chips and salsa are still usually good chips and salsa. I love apps. In fact, I’m one of those people who will sometimes go to a restaurant and order three apps instead of an entree.

I didn’t foresee the rise of smart phones, which are just pocket-sized computers, and therefore I didn’t anticipate the various and sundry cycling apps which have become a part of the fabric of cycling over the last decade. I’m fairly technology resistant, but I have been known to indulge in an extra-large serving of Ride with GPS on a Friday night, in anticipation of a Saturday feast.

I like Vietnamese fresh rolls, with either tofu or shrimp. I absolutely love chawanmushi, a disarmingly cozy Japanese steamed egg custard. Also, double-fried chicken wings. I can eat infinite double fried chicken wings. Go on, dare me.

Somewhere, I have a Strava account. Well, I suppose it’s on Strava, but what I mean is I’m not sure I remember the password, and I certainly don’t ever upload rides to it. The only reason I’m aware it still exists is that occasionally someone follows me. That must be disappointing for them.

Here’s a hot take for you: I don’t love nachos. Even well-made nachos struggle to give you a uniform experience of eating what, to my eye, looks like a bunch of good stuff. Then there’s the problem of trying to share a plate of gooey mess with a group of people. How many times can I reach into the pile before it’s socially awkward? Ever notice how a plate of nachos almost never gets finished? No one knows how to take that last messy bite. Give me a bowl of pozole or a few tamales instead.

Then there are the networked apps like Zwift, where you can race other people virtually, but I don’t like to race other people non-virtually, so I’m not sure what turning me into an avatar changes about that calculus. People like Zwift, and I’m not knocking it. I’m just more into embodied cycling than disembodied cycling. I’m into disembodied hang gliding though. It’s much preferrable to the non-VR variety.

Have you had onigiri? They’re like seaweed wrapped, rice and fish sandwiches. I’d eat those everyday probably. Great ride food too. FWIW. My friend Greg made me some once with bacon and liquid aminos. That s#*t was dope.

What am I missing? Oh, Training Peaks. Sorry. Training is for try-hards and clashes with my raging mediocrity. I should start my own app called “Meh.” No matter what you uploaded to it, it would say “Nice job, dork. Now do something useful.” I also forgot WHOOP, the general-purpose fitness app. It tells you when you need more sleep, but I already know that. The answer is always. “You’re depleted and need rest.” Yeah. Am I paying for this?

I have not mentioned a lot of classic American appetizers here. They’re all kinda fried and salty and fine. I like them all, but does it make a ton of sense to jam a bunch of carbs in your face before you eat the real food? Sorry. That was a trick question. The answer is: Who cares? Fried salty things are better than most other things, including apps that tell me where to go and what to do, how slowly I’m doing it, how much worse I am than last year this time, how everyone else around me is crushing it, and how maybe, next time, I should consider getting a salad instead.