Hey everybody, look out. I’m a real cyclist. I know about bikes. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be real good at this, because as far as I know, they’re the same thing. Did I mention how serious I am?
How do you set this bike up? This stem does not look capable of being slammed. Is there some kinda way to make the saddle narrower than an airplane toilet seat? What? We’re starting already. Oh, ok. I’ll do the best I can. My best is pretty good, so…
Whoa. What’s this music? Are we at a pep rally? Did an Instagram influencer just get married in here? Do what now? Increase the tension on my bike? Are we not warming up at all? No? Ok. Straight in, I guess. Is this class actually an indoor crit?
Wow. I’m sweaty. Is this how much I would sweat if I didn’t have air moving over me constantly? Is there a fan? Did everyone else bring a towel? I should have brought a towel.
And some water. I figured we were only riding for an hour, so I didn’t really need a bottle. I need a bottle. Does anyone have an extra bottle? No? It’s as hot as Texas tarmac in here. Has anyone ever barfed in this class? I might barf in this class.
Great googly moogly! Who is “Bad Mamma Jamma 14?” That’s a lot of watts. “Howard the Duck” is kicking out some serious jams too. I’m pretty far down the leaderboard. I didn’t actually realize there was going to be a leaderboard. Where am I? Oh. Well, give me a few minutes to get in the flow. If I don’t barf or rupture a buttock on this ridiculous saddle, I’m sure I’ll move up the standings.
I’m dying here. No, I don’t mean that metaphorically.
Did she just say something about “earning my brownies?” Is that an expression? I feel like I’m riding a camel up an escalator. I feel like I’m caught in the belts of a machine that makes chewing gum. I feel like I’m being steamed alive, like a lobster, while Katy Perry hits high notes in the background.
This is the worst thing I’ve ever done. These people are animals.
Did she just say, “Dig deep?” What have we been doing this whole time? Come to think of it, how is she even talking? My heart rate is at…Jesus, Mary, and Joseph…that’s not a number I’m comfortable with at all. Is there a defibrillator in here? Is there a reasonable place to land a helicopter nearby?
Oh my god. Is she slowing down? Are we almost done?
OK. We weren’t almost done. That was cruel. This is cruel. It’s still cruel. I am experiencing this as cruelty. How often do you people do this? How many times does it take to get good at it? Have any of you ever ridden a bike outside, because I think a few of you might have a shot at a pro deal?
Yeah. Spin class is great. There’s nowhere to hide in Spin class. There’s no wheel to suck, no draft to sit in. It’s loud and hot, and a person with a microphone yells at you the whole time. My favorite part was the part where it was over.
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