Some of you may be aware that I don’t love to write reviews. It’s because I’m just not that interested in the technical details of most products, but also because I believe, sincerely, that most of the stuff available for doing the thing we do is pretty great. Still, reviews are big source of traffic for any cycling site, and I’m willing to do my duty for the cause, such as it is.
And so, without further delay, and in an effort to get ahead of the whole technological evolution of bike products, I will now review a product which does not exist yet, but probably will in the future, which means I’ll have the first and most definitive review, perhaps the first “journalistic” scoop of my whole “career.”
Let’s start by stating the obvious. It’s great. Can you imagine it? Really? Cause you have to.
The shifting is, well, telepathic. Think about a lower gear and it is there for you to imbue with power. Think about a higher gear and it is there for you to catch your breath. The science that makes this possible is opaque, like the tech behind the time machine that probably exists by the time this product hits the market.
And what can I say about having 15 speeds available to me, 10 through 74? It’s even better than last year’s 14-speed, like one better, which of course makes it like 14 better than your single-speed. That’s just math.
But ok, no one likes a gushing review. Seems disingenuous, no? Like maybe bought and paid for? So now I’ll tell you what’s wrong with the new 15spd Telepathic.
For starters, my thoughts are unclear, and I suspect yours are too. If you’ve ever upshifted (using your hand and a lever, like some sort of ape flinging its feces at a zookeeper), when you meant to downshift, well telepathic shifting doesn’t exactly fix that problem. If anything, it makes it worse, because your mind is also filled with your problems, your family’s problems, the world’s problems, and a meme your kid sent you whose meaning is entirely unclear, but also profoundly disturbing.
Some of us just aren’t up to the task of shifting this derailleur. Like, if you were one of those people who never saw the pod of playful dolphins in the stereogram posters that were popular for about 10 minutes in the ’90s, then this is not the drivetrain for you.
Also, if you have trouble counting up to and then back from 15, you might consider a more traditional groupset. I know that sounds like a thing that everyone can do, but some of us are word people, not number people, ok?
Other than that, this stuff is great. It really is a marvel of modern engineering, and you probably need it, although buying it does require taking out a second (or third) mortgage for most riders. It will pay you back in PRs though. So many PRs. You’ll get tired of PRing.