Robot’s Useless Reviews – Optimization

You should eat better. I should too. Kale. Acai bowls. Superfoods and antioxidants. Fish oil. High calcium micro greens. Take a supplement, but make sure it’s absorbable. Drink more water. Be sparing with carbohydrates. Go vegetarian. No, vegan. Consider intermittent fasting. Drink less, if at all. You won’t live forever, but maybe you’ll get close.

Get an aero bike for those moments when you reach a speed when any of that matters. Pump your tires to the correct pressure to minimize rolling resistance. Get a bike fit. Upgrade to carbon. If you’re currently running 11spd, you ought to move to 12spd, because one more. Wear stiff soled shoes. Have some custom footbeds made.

Do interval training. Do hill repeats. Ride in a paceline. Take long pulls. Cross train. Lift weights. Bank as many base miles as you can, but do speed work. Track your wattage and make sure you’re peaking when it’s good to peak. Be consistent, but also listen to your body and adapt. Work inside a hyperbaric chamber.

Sleep! None of it matters without enough sleep. Take a rest day, and quite possible two. Also get regular massage. And make sure to foam roll. Yoga as well. Compression helps. Don’t stand if you can sit. Don’t sit if you can lie down.

And if you’re fast, and if you’re competitive, and if there’s money involved, take out your blood, the bad old blood, and replace it with new, good blood. Slam a testosterone patch on your forehead. Eat a deer placenta and shave your eyebrows off. Falsify your whereabouts.

You know, it’s a slippery slope. You make one false move toward perfection and find yourself cascading down a rainbow waterfall of marginal gains. The gains just keep getting marginaler and marginaler, but you can’t stop. You get that first sweet taste of Strava K or Q OM, and next thing you know you’re on the dark web buying rhino horn and Crystal Pepsi.

Humanity is a funny old bunch. Every since Icarus flew too close to the sun, we’ve been buying up wax wings like they were Teddy Ruxpin circa 1986. What is it? Fear of death? Is it that simple? Whatever this fatal flaw, count me out. Hard pass. Give me a chili dog and a DNF everytime. FTW.

This Useless Review was brought to you by the entirely useful Shimano Dura Ace C50 wheelset.

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  1. trabri says

    Vegan chili dog and DFL for me, thank you.

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