The first and best use for the “milk crate” is actually to hold records, so I don’t know why it’s still called a milk crate. It might also be called “your college book case” or “the mechanic’s stool.” I don’t know quite when the dairy lobby captured the collective imagination on this one, but clearly those were dollars well spent.
Presumably, these hard plastic containers still arrive at grocery stores with milk in them, and it’s worth pointing out that they belong to someone, the dairy or the distributor. Their theft is a crime. A crime! The price of milk probably also includes some crate-write-off expense. Think about that while you’re eating your Wheaties.
Maybe (I’d even like to believe) the Federal Government has an infinitely long backlog of crate theft prosecutions they’re working their way through. Those cases are all litigated by the same division that does mattress tag removal infractions. It’s a place for lawyers who pass the bar, but then sit on the back of the legal peloton like those wheel suckers you try to drop at the first coffee stop.
In the context of this review, what we’re really talking about is the milk crate as hobo pannier. In fact, if this whole TCI thing doesn’t work out for me I might start an Etsy store that sells ‘hobo panniers’ to aspiring young cyclists so they can have something to cart their hopes and dreams around in after the climate apocalypse. (Hey, that’s not funny).
Whenever I see a dude riding around with a milk crate zip-tied to his bike rack (and let’s be honest…it’s always a dude…women are, by and large, better than that, right?), I wonder just when he put it on there. I mean, is there a species of cyclist who assumes when a new bike comes into his/her possession that a milk crate is going on that thing? Is it possible, actually, that the milk crate outlasts the bike, and this person is just moving the crate from old bike to new? It shatters my brain in the most magically absurd way.
Is there a point in a cyclist’s life when they think, “You know what? I need a milk crate for this bike.” The one real problem with bicycles is they don’t have a trunk, but I’m a clever person. For the cost of a few zip ties and a late night trip past the back door of a convenience store I can solve this problem.
Is there some secret page on Sheldon Brown’s site that gives the optimal mounting instructions for milk crates? Is it on the same page that outlines the step-by-step method for reversing and up-tilting a pair of drop bars to turn your ten-speed into a cruiser? The mind capers and reels.
I’m talking a bunch of shit, but of course, there is no better vessel for the conveyance of stuff than a milk crate. There are the aforementioned records and books, but you can put a bag of clothing in there too. You can put some quantity of beer in a thing like that. You could transport a small dog or even a child. Once you step into milk-crate life (#milkcratelife) you’re broadcasting to the world that the devil may care, but you most definitely do not. You can put ANYTHING in that crate. Gold bars. T-Bills. Human feet. A blender. Some takeout. Roughly 10 left shoes. A potted plant. A bucket of frogs. A skateboard (WHAT?!?!). Shit is getting meta now.
HOLY CRAP WHAT IF YOU ZIP-TIED MORE CRATES ON TOP OF YOUR FIRST CRATE LIKE A BAMBOO STEAMER OF CYLING CARGO TRANSPORT?!?!?!
Sorry. I got excited.
I think what we’ve established is the inarguable and enduring utility of the milk crate as a cycling peripheral. Quite why Campy doesn’t make one that costs $1000 is a little beyond me. Maybe in Italy they deliver their milk in hempen baskets.
No. The milk crate as product is a 10/10. The question you have to ask yourself is “Am I really a milk crate person?” This is the cycling equivalent of general population queries like, “Am I a bow tie person?” or “Can I pull off a beret?” or “Are the Jews for Jesus really for me?”
They might be, friend. They just might be.
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