Robot’s Useless Reviews – CO2

One carbon atoms, two oxygens. A simple recipe. The sort that life seems to whip up a little too often, like mom’s meatloaf, heavy, warm and dry.

In fact, we’re slowly dying of meatloaf, if you believe in science. We’re making too much of it. All of Earth’s atmosphere is like one large chafing dish, overbrimming with unwanted meatloaf. A whole industry has sprung up to develop meatloaf-sequestration technologies.

I think we can all agree Meat Loaf is terrible. Who would make such a badass album cover and then fill the grooves of the record with abhorrent show tunes? RIP Meat Loaf. He was great in Fight Club.

We can all agree that meatloaf is terrible, but what to do about it?

Well, as long as we’re butchering science and employing insane metaphors, let me make a few suggestions. There are some things meatloaf is actually good for, like inflating bike tires. Nearly every ride I go on, I keep two small meatloaf canisters in my saddle bag. For such small containers, they sure do pack a lot of meatloaf. It’s compressed I’m told.

Sounds pretty gross.

Ah, but when I’ve got a flat tire, what a joy it is to deploy the compressed meatloaf to reinflate. Then the meatloaf is inside my tire. We are literally riding around on meatloaf sequestration devices!

Speaking of garbage science, if you web search “How Many Bicycles Are in the World?” the consensus answer is about 1 billion. It’s a beautifully round number, which makes me skeptical, but the next step in this process is nearly faultless, I think. If there are 1 billion bicycles, then there are 2 billion bike tires. The equation for this is B*2=2B. It’s complicated math, but check it on a calculator.

I’m wicked good at this stuff, as we say here in Eastern Massachusetts. Now shit’s gonna get real. Buckle up.

The volume of a torus, which is the fancy word for donut, the same delicious shape as a bike tire, is represented thusly: V=(πr2)(2πR), where R is the major radius and r is the minor radius. Don’t worry too much about the finer details. I’ve already demonstrated my prowess with advanced mathematics. Like the loan sharks say, “Trust me!” Like the magician says, “Look over there!” Like James Acaster says, “Death comes to us all.”

So the answer is about 5000 cubic centimeters, assuming an average wheel size of 27.5″, and an average tire size of 30mm. We’re spit balling here. We’re ballparking. We’re causing deceased experts across an array of fields to spin (like so many bicycle wheels) in their graves. What is it that legions of absolute wingnuts say? Do your own research?

Yeah. Go ahead.

Anyhoo, I make that 1013 cubic centimeters, worldwide, give or take. That’s 3.5 million cubic tons of carbon dioxide, er…meatloaf, removed from the atmosphere. As I’ve written previously, the bicycle can solve all our problems. If it can do something with all of the Earth’s excess meatloaf, what can’t it do?

Need new meatloaf sequestration devices of your own? Consider these bad mama jamas from our sponsor and erstwhile supporter Shimano North America.

Join the conversation
  1. Jeff vdD says

    1. If I’m not mistaken, meatloaf diffuses out through butyl rubber significantly easier than oxygen—err, salisbury steak does … not clear how to factor this in

    2. PV=nRT, as any self-respecting Patriots fan will know. I’m a bit hazy on the science here, but if that 27.5” tire/tube is being run at 30psi, doesn’t that mean approx. 3x the amount of meatloaf or salisbury steak.

    3. Your dissing of one of Rock ‘n Roll’s all-time great albums, which includes one of Rock ‘n Roll’s all-time great songs (“Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” for the uninitiated) is noted. And not in the good way. I can’t seem to find the unsubscribe button at the moment, so I guess I’ll stick around, but yikes.

  2. trabri says

    I agree with JVdD. Bike tires do not make good meatloaf sequestration devices. Also consider the meatloaf release as bicycle enthusiasts fumble with multiple flats as I did a couple of weekends ago.

    “We’re dissing Meatloaf.”
    The “Horror”

  3. Blue Zurich says

    Latex bleeds meatloaf like a bat out of hell

  4. johnrom719 says

    My favorite math equation: two outta three ain’t bad. Seems like you coulda worked that into the main story, Robot!

  5. Emlyn Lewis says

    Friends, I did consider that the meatloaf would be under pressure, but I’m afraid even my sham math has its limits. I really enjoy the image of latex bleeding meat loaf though.

    To defenses of the rock star, I will only say that I regard all his music as fodder for a rock musical, and, well, it’s not my jam. Not remotely.

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