I’ve ridden a great many places in my time. They all have their quirks. In Western Massachusetts, the farmers love to sit 3-6 feet behind a rider or group and honk periodically. In Pisa, the drivers aren’t going to give you more than a foot ever, but they wouldn’t dream of hitting you. In retiree-rich Central Florida, it’s important to know that cataracts can occupy more of the visual field than a cyclist may.
Here in Memphis, I’ve been undergoing a reeducation in what I’ll call the MAVC—the Memphis Alternative Vehicle Code. A week-long trip isn’t enough to make sense of what I have experienced, but with six weeks under my belt now, a picture is beginning to emerge.
Southerners can be a frugal, miserly people who value efficiency as a concept more highly than its reality. Such a quality can result in marvelous inventions—the windshield wiper was invented because of Southern thunderstorms—as well as spectacular failures of cognition—the Confederacy and Jim Crow. Southern driving sits somewhere outside this spectrum, never genius enough not to be scary and never wrong enough to be evil. I’ve compiled and indexed the rules that inform both my riding and driving. I don’t actually employ these myself, but I remain ever-aware that the driver nearest me may be operating under this influence.
- All turns should follow the largest possible arc. This will reduce wear to tires.
- Turns may be initiated from any lane. Again, larger arcs.
- Turn signals risk breaking your concentration. Avoid using them in all but the most sedate settings.
- Reduce confusion about your intentions by nosing into intersections before the light changes.
- Avoid potholes at all cost. Any other lane is acceptable.
- Bike lanes are not traffic lanes, but they are passing lanes.
- Only pull over for emergency vehicles if you have time to spare.
- It is legal to park in handicapped spots so long as you leave your car running.
- Time is money. Depending on your personal sense of urgency, driving hella fast or hella not is justifiable.
- Sidewalks are excess parking capacity disguised as infrastructure. Reclaim as necessary.
- Freeway shoulders offer a passing lane that preserves existing traffic flow.
- Occupy as many parking spaces as possible. The South is rich in nothing so much as land. It is our birthright to spread out. Also, it reduces paint scratches and dings.
- Red lights are only truly red until after two Mississippis, and, yes, you have to pronounce the last I.
- Stop signs exist to remind you the other guy is supposed to stop.
- You only have to stop for blinking red lights while they are red.
- Whoever gets to the intersection first has the right of way.
- As a courtesy, tailgate the driver in front of you for a minimum of three Mississippis before ramming them.
- Lane lines are decorative.
- You’re only at fault for hitting something if it wasn’t moving.
- Yellow lights are just green lights without enough blue.
I will endeavor to add to this list as I decode additional rules. I am available for expert witness testimony.