Background: We had little resources for bike gear…after all it was college days.
Lance, my buddy and main training partner bought a pair of expensive shorts. He saved and did without to get them. One time on the way to a race I found him eating an apple sauce sandwich. I asked him why and he said, “because that is what was in the refrigerator.” Yes, that is how he afforded those shorts, but I would not recommend that diet.
Somehow those pricey shorts ended up sitting on the top of the dryer. And, you guessed it, the shorts melted. Just above the Chamois on the rear. In those days that Chamois was real rather than synthetic. I am thankful for the synthetic almost as much as the Chamois species themselves. Live long and prosper goat-antelope being; one day I hope to visit you in your natural habitat – the Pyrenees.
I digress.
Back to my story of Lance and his shorts. It seems his girlfriend had put them on top of the dryer and then used the dryer. He was furious, he had never worn them. Big area melted. She calmed him down and convinced him it was not a problem. She took some material from her clothing, cut out a nice rectangle and patched it with that clothing; I think it was a pair of her stockings/tights. It was in a good spot for repair, and she did a great job. Looked professional.
He comes to a ride and tells us that story. We laugh. We roll as he finishes the story, but then we start to move fast so I settle behind him in a paceline. Nothing special, just another day training while squinting with the sun in my eyes. Then, we turn a corner and the sun is no longer in our faces. Nice! Not! Now with the sun behind us, it is shining on Lance’s rear. Remember, I am behind him. That ‘patch’ is now so transparent I wonder if there is any material there at all.
NOOOOOO!!!!
I pull out of the paceline. The others see it. Some laugh, some cuss; he cusses. I did not need to see that view, not that close, not ever. That patch looked good, until the sun illuminated the surface. He says that he is going to keep wearing them because they were expensive. With great effort we convince him to wear them on solo rides because we do not need to see that again.
But as you know we do see it again – not him, but others.
Another perfect weather day and the group is together and the pace is quick. We settle into a paceline and…ERIC!!!!!
You have been there if you ride with others. You settle down and look up – at the butt of the person in front of you. Actually, you look past it, but it is there in your unfocused vision. Normally, it is clad in black Lycra, or maybe colors, but covered. Revealing at some level, but you are accustomed to it. But today, well, those shorts are threadbare. Today there is a perfect view of a cleft that is not a rock face. It is not the view wanted or expected on the ride.
This scenario is more frequent than the first. You cannot see the back of your own shorts; thus, you often discover your shorts are threadbare only when you are with others. This means you are stuck being that way the entire ride. Cyclists are not known for their modesty, but it is not what anyone really wants to stare at in a paceline.
This is an oft repeated pattern. Threadbare is common but also common is wearing shorts bought at a much lighter weight or believing we are smaller than we are in reality. In those cases, shorts are stretched to the point of transparency, especially with the thin fabrics of today. You chose white shorts? I am not sure your choice is wise, and today the neighbor is washing his car so once we get past there – you guessed it – not much left to the imagination.
Like I said, most cyclists are not that modest – we are wearing Lycra in public. That said – this is still not appropriate. Please save those shorts for indoor training when you are all alone in your basement…
Do you have a story about a ‘view’ that you would rather not have seen?
Let’s just say that one reason I usually ride solo is that I would prefer to be watching the trees, mountains, hills, and birds than someone’s hind end, even if it is clothed in non-worn out spandex. Given my days of pinning on a number are long past, drafting other riders is not necessary.
As far as a view I would have preferred not to have seen? Was riding in a triathlon once and closing distance on a young lady who was quite…attractive to watch in her skimpy outfit. Well, until I saw her, while riding on her aero bars and looking down instead of forward, rode right into the back of a parked car. That was the part I would rather not have seen. End of race for her, and a fully tacoed front wheel. She got up Ok but pretty shaken.
I certainly understand, but I still enjoy being in a draft. I get it less frequently nowadays and enjoy partaking when the opportunity presents itself. Regarding the triathlon lady – sorry to hear that. A tough way to end a race. Glad she was OK. It happens often when least expected…
Wardrobe malfunctions have never really bothered me. I had it happen to me whilst running in college when the gym shorts I was wearing basically disintegrated at the crotch seam so I was basically wearing a tutu. As I ran past a bus stop a woman screamed screamed at me “Cover yo ass, boy!” I ran that last mile barely holding the shreds of the shorts down over my nether regions. Bike-wise, I’ve seen plenty of bad/gory crashes. Those are never fun. The numerous enchanted liaisons I’ve happened upon weren’t really bad. While I did not want to see them at least they were kind of funny. No actually the worst thing I ever see while out riding is trash.