I won’t even start with the knees. The knees are terrible, but that’s too easy. The back is also awful. The ankles? Sketchy at best. Eight billion primates careening around like that one cart at the grocery store with the wonky wheel. A joke.
Ok. Ok. This is a review. Let me back up and describe the product first.
The human body is like a bicycle. It’s for transportation, but it has no wheels. There is a complicated suspension system, so it rides pretty nice, at least when it’s brand new, but yeah, no wheels, so pretty slow. Also, it’s basically an endoskeleton covered in this soft outer coating that is self-healing, which is neat, but it’s also sorta hairy, so…just consider that before you buy.
I got my human body at the tail end of 1971, and honestly, for the first twenty or thirty years I was really happy with it. Sure, there were some little problems, but the model I got was eligible for all sorts of vaccines and other upgrades that ensured my body made it to the year 2000. If I’m honest, I put a lot of nicotine and alcohol into the system back in the day, and I’m told that shortens the useful life of a human body, like leaving a steel bike in the rain or ghost riding your bike into a campfire.
We don’t always make the best choices.
I guess the good news is that the various body mechanics currently plying their trade and wares have come up with an array of replacement parts for the human body, hips, knees, even ankles now I’m told. And that can extend the useful life of whatever contraption you’re banging around in, but at root I think what we have is an evolution problem.
Today, the only way to make a human body is with another human body. Two actually. And that means that the new body becomes an amalgam of the problems of the “parents.” Sorry, the parents. Evolution SHOULD weed out the issues over time, but unfortunately, the timing on this critical process is WAY off.
The human body reaches its replication phase between the ages of 12 and 15, and that phase extends to around 45. That means that any longer-term problems will be reintroduced into the manufacturing system before they can be identified and preclude one of the parents from “getting it on.” Really, we shouldn’t be sleeping with people who have pronounced limps or who need special pillows to sit at a desk. Otherwise, we’re just making more human bodies with these irritating shortcomings.
Also, the warranty sucks, particularly in the United States, where many people have no warranty at all, and the rest think they’re covered, but ha, ha, turns out they aren’t. There’s literally a multi-billion-dollar industry that lives to capitalize on the things you aren’t covered for.
I’d give the human body about a 6 out of 10. The initial use period is pretty great, but once problems begin to present themselves, a panoply of aches, pains and dysfunctions follows. To mitigate those, I’d recommend riding a bike, earl and often, and trying, if at all possible, not to crash it.
That’s a pretty good useless review. I like it, and can relate.