Keep It to Yourself

The other day I was blissfully pedaling up a trail, lost in an internal reverie about cupcakes or cloud seeding—I really don’t remember. The only sound was my own huffing and puffing, and the occasional bird tweet and trill. The huffing and puffing reminded me I’d been too long on the couch, perhaps with too many cupcakes as company. The bird tweet and trill reminded me that birds are nice (but birders are still weird). 

But wait, what is this tinny, strange sound drawing me out? A new birdsong? Na, it’s got a rhythm. Oh. Right. It’s the woman ahead of me on the trail with a god damned speaker on her handlebars. 

My issues with this practice are legion. Why in the world would you think that anyone else wants to hear your music? Or even worse, your news show? I and others are out here to enjoy nature, quiet, our own thoughts, maybe see some wildlife. If music or Alex Jones or Racheal Maddow are what you want to listen to when you run, hike, ride, have at it! 

There’s this neat invention called headphones made available in 1891 by French engineer Ernest Mercadier. According to Wikipedia, he was awarded U.S. Patent No. 454,138 for “improvements in telephone-receivers…which shall be light enough to be carried while in use on the head of the operator.” 

And lo these 133 years later, their sound is much improved. Heck, my Sony Walkman in 1982 sounded like a symphony hall, and today’s hardware has long since eclipsed that pre-cambrian technology. 

You might not be wrong to label me as an old curmudgeonly crank, but I do not believe that this desire for a Beyonce-free trail experience is soley the realm of the “mature” adult. Surely many of the young among us do not want to be blasted by Barry Manilow on a sunset hike to the lake. 

“But I do it to scare away bad animals.” Horseshit. YOU are a bad animal. Unless you are mountain biking solo in the Arctic amidst polar bears, the most dangerous thing you did today was drive your car to the trailhead. Oh, you rode to the trailhead? Good for you. Still the most dangerous thing you did all day. 

If you are that scared of running into a “bad” animal (there’s really no such thing), you should learn what’s out there, where they are (so you can do the right thing and leave them the hell alone), what to do you if you encounter one. Otherwise maybe just stay home, or stick to the city park. 

The idea of clearing your path of perceived danger by blasting Tay-tay in a 1,000’ rolling audio-arc is like ridding your house of ants by burning it down. Yeah, you might have avoided the 1-in-a-thousand chance of surprising a bear, but you’ve also cleared your and everyone else’s path of bluebirds, foxes, squirrels, bobcats, robins, deer, elk, badgers, pheasant, coyote, killdeer and unicorns because why not. 

So let’s review the ways in which it is unspeakably rude to “share” your audio preferences on-trail. 

1. Why in the world would you assume others want to hear your music? Why? 
2. Bluetooth speakers sound like shit. Your headphones provide 1,000% better sound quality so do us both a favor and use those instead. Everybody wins!
3. Some people like to hear the birds, the wind. If you don’t, that’s fine. See #2, headphones.
4. Some people like to see the birds, the bobcats, the unicorns. Don’t rob others of that opportunity. See #2, headphones.
5. Scared of animals? Take up knitting. Life’s dangerous. 

Keep it to yourself.