Ebullition/Doubt: Dirtbag Digressions

Embracing austerity: Take that you schwette creep!

Theme music this round (Titillating, absurdist and also containing two “D’s” in the title): Dave the Diver: Original Soundtrack

Dirtbag Digressions: Merriam-Webster defines a dirtbag as a slang term for “a dirty, unkempt or contemptible person.” I’ve always considered it also to mean being a cheap mf’er as well, but perhaps the term schnorrer* is more appropriate. That said, “Schnorrer Digressions” does not roll off the tongue as well, so dirtbag it is. My intent here is to provide ideas on how to roll on the thrifty tip and still have a blast. I have long thought that I never needed the fanciest or most expensive items to entertain myself. I have never been one for flash, even though my elan can lean into the garish realm on occasion. That aside, these discussions will be focused on items and efforts that provide a lot for a little.

If I broke your brains with a maelstrom of suspension hoo-haa like a proverbial feces-throwing primate last time, I plan to take a brief detour and sing some praise for some nifty bargain products here.

I ceased using hydration backpacks over ten years ago. On rides of two hours or less I can take a bottle and have everything else I’d need in my pockets (keys, food, phone) or on my bike (EDC in the steerer and a pump; internal frame storage** on assorted bikes of late). However, sometimes I want/need more (mostly) water, food or stuff.

So, what to do to avoid the backpacks and having an extra schwette back? I’ve tried the down tube water sleeves that come with certain internal frame storage equipped bikes and they work, but it gives the water a very plastic-y taste. Storage bibs/vests from Specialized, Raceface and other brand knock-offs are okay, but they become unwieldy rapidly and still feel sweaty AF. Fanny packs, bum-bags, hip bags or whatever you want to call them can work, but the many I’ve tried all have some compromise. My favorite until now has been the original Bontrager Rapid pack. It stays in place (a problem that plagues 98% of them), but you can only bring one additional bottle with it. The rapid pack does have nicely organized pockets on its wings, and I suppose you could add an extra bottle carrier sleeve, but that seems like pushing this simple pack into territory it was not designed for. Still, at $49 it is an excellent and economical product, and I cannot stress again just how stable it is, which is a big deal.

On most rides I do having a couple of bottles (one on your frame*** and one in a pack) is plenty. However, in the deep south, where I live, it gets hot quick. 

This isn’t really an issue for those in the more mild of climate zones, but the warm weather comes earlier every year, and the heat gets all over us like a poorly fitting suit. Every ride becomes a complete schvitz. I find myself drinking more of late (LMNT rules! I originally thought this acronym spelling of “element” was “limit” and my friend thought it was “lament”, but we’re old and not completely dialed into all the youthful vernacular,) and I like to have at least a couple of bottles worth. The Bontrager pack is great, but I’m limited to two bottles max: one on the bike and one in the pack. The hip bags I’ve tried with bladders have been a letdown as they just flop around too much. 

Enter the Lab Austere Minimize Hydration Lumbar Pack V.2. That’s a lot. I will just refer to it as the Lab Austere. I got to hand it to them as they nailed it. You can carry two large bottles in the pack and all your shiz besides. There are numerous pockets with assorted Velcro and zipper closures. The thing that is impressive is how invisible the Lab Austere pack becomes. I have had mine loaded with two full 22 oz bottles, extra tools, tube, food and have done a 3+ hr. rides without issues. The bag stayed put and did not require me to readjust it at all. There is something about how the bottles are positioned, but through some sort of black magic you stop noticing the pack after the first one or two pedal strokes. The bottles are positioned directly over each butt cheek and makes it seem like you have some kind of weird rocket pack on, but damn if it doesn’t work. It remains stable and invisible even if you only have one bottle in it too.

I can’t speak to its durability, but a friend had one where a zipper broke, and they replaced it without charge. It is my go-to now for any longer expeditions. They are on sale now for $79 and you can use the code “Hardtail.Party” for an additional 25% off (you should subscribe to Hardtail Party on YouTube while you’re at it). Decorated with my silly buttons of course to reduce the austerity of it all. Five out of five Dio fingers.

*Yiddish word for beggar, cheapskate, layabout.

**This was pioneered by Specialized in 2015 with their SWAT box, an opening to utilize the space within a frame’s downtube to store anything you’d want to put in there (I stuffed a maple bacon éclair in mine once for a fun mid-ride treat). Many of the big manufacturers are doing this now including Trek, Giant, Santa Cruz and Orbea.

***I used to make fun of mountain bikers that ran bottles vs hydration packs. That’s what roadies did I thought, and I wasn’t roadie. Even though I am thrilled that mountain bikes finally gave road bike-esque geometry the finger, there were some things that roadies got right. This could be filed under the PCP or maybe I was just dumb.