You are on your bike and the weather is amazing. Just the two of you in a new and unfamiliar area. It is nice. You are riding with a person of the opposite gender. You do not know that person well as they are a ‘new’ friend. You see a line in their cycling shorts that clearly indicates they are wearing underwear.
You do what?
I have been there. Three separate times. Yes, three times I went riding with a female that I knew but not well enough to discuss undergarments. In all three cases it was just the two of us. In all three cases, we were in the middle of nowhere. Think about it – riding with someone you do not know really well, in the middle of nowhere, have not seen anyone for a long time and he starts asking you about your underwear. Yep, enough to put up the defenses and look for a weapon.
Bad time to do that – maybe I should not say anything. Maybe I should wait.
In all three cases I spoke up. It went something like this. “Cathy, are you wearing underwear?” Maybe not the best lead question. Let me restate that. That is not the way you should start a similar conversation. First – I know she is wearing underwear, so the question is moot. Second – that might not be the best opening line to any conversation. I suggest a more general start where you speak of cycling shorts being important and comfortable as well being designed specifically for cycling. You might add how to find a pair that fits correctly, that they are designed to wear without undergarments and how that is helpful and comfortable. Then be more specific about the current situation.
I did not. I am a ‘just get to the point and then talk about it’ kind of guy. Of course, when I asked the question, I got three different (but similar) responses. Needless to say, that all were a bit ‘taken aback’. Surprise! One a bit offended, one definitely surprised and at a loss for words and another just uncertain about my line of questioning.
I followed up quickly with a statement like, “sorry, it is just obvious in cycling shorts if someone is wearing underwear. Cycling shorts are designed to be worn without undergarments because …”, and I then explained the reasons.
Good news. All three ended well. I did not get punched or cussed. I am still friends will all three. All three were grateful to know and thanked me for being willing to talk about it. Whew.
I heard things like, no wonder I was always chaffed after riding, it made me consider not riding … that just seemed uncomfortable, but I did not know. All three said, “why did no one tell me?”
Good news. All three occasions ended with a person learning how to ride more comfortably and on one occasion once she understood why, she pulled over and went behind a tree to remove them promptly. I was instructed to face away from said tree and let her know if I saw anyone coming. She was the one that made the comment about the chaffing. She was quite pleased with the new information and wanted to end her previous experiences immediately. I guess it was a good thing we were on a back road in the middle of nowhere with no one around after all.
Bad news. Although each of these people mostly rode alone, each had ridden with others. No one had told them. Each bought those shorts at a local bike shop. No one had told them. Were their ride partners/bike shop employees knowledgeable themselves about the topic? Did they think the person chose to wear underwear even though they knew they should not? Were they too uncomfortable to talk about it?
Ahhh – the things that you experience on a bike. What situations have you experienced on a bike that you chose to speak about … or to avoid … and most importantly how did it end? Mine ended with me having all my teeth intact and no black eye – did yours end as well?
This is an interesting topic and question. I’ve learned that if I want to bring up a topic I start by asking open ended questions rather than yes/no questions. For example, “what aspect of riding is the most challenging/difficult/uncomfortable/confusing/frustrating for you?” This gives the other person an opportunity to bring up a topic. Once we start talking and build up some trust, then I can bring up something I notice about the other rider. But, mostly, I just keep my mouth shut.
I like your suggestion and think that sounds like a great way to move toward the topic. I also agree that most of the time silence is a great concept. But alas, in this case I would want someone to tell me so…
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Rather than “are you wearing underwear?”, you could try “Can I point something out?”
I agree. As age has increased so has my approach to similar conversations.